me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
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[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.