I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
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Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Thinking about Jeff
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
when you order from DoorDastardly