I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
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Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
This will never not be funny to me.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.