If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.