Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
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When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.