The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
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The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Monica just destroyed the internet
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Terribly Tuesday.