I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
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The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
You got this…
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.