A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
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[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
What the hell happened here.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.