Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
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Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.