Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
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I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement