Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.