If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
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Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“i miss shittin on people”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?