[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
You Might Also Like
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
.. do you even science?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight