PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
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The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
That time Alicia messaged me
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.