Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
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The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.