It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.