ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
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Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
broke down and did it
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.