I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
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People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road