Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
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My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
BRO LMFAO
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Air conditioning – not a fan
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Liquor Store Parking
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class