If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
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*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.