7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
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Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.