The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
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husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had