My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
You Might Also Like
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now