I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
it was love at first sight
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
this is the best interaction on twitter
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
jesus christ confetti not now
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My plans: 2020:
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts