I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Tastes like chicken.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car