Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
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34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
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SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water