[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.