I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
You Might Also Like
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Yup.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.