REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
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Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.