you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
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You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Trumpy Cat
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”