I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
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Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.