My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
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This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
some cats are just doing for fun!
He wanted to make sure😂
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
The government even made aliens boring
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”