Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
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Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
*pronounces woah like Noah*
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows