Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
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That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process