secret recipe
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Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze