My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
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On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
my retirement plan is braless
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind