The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
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whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.