This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
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*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
mariah carrie
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.