[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
You Might Also Like
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude