Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
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Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream