[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
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“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Camping tip: No.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”