Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
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[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen