“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
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To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.