You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
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Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.