“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Tough love is true love
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all