My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope