I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
house sitting!
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.