Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
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[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*