[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
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This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish