My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school